*EDIT* Added something to the ending; I felt it needed something ^^
** 2nd EDIT** I can no longer respond to every comment, but I do read all of them. Thank you all for the support! Also, if you'd like to post this somewhere or use it as your signature, please don't ask! As long as you credit me, I'm happy.
3rd EDIT: Seriously you guys, give me a break. I'm in 7th grade first of all, and have taught myself how to write. I typed this up very quickly, because it was just a thought. It was just meant to be a little gift for my neighbor, who's gay (I however, am a lesbian). I never expected it to get this popular.
This is actually incredibly bland. I didn't get any feeling from it. You did not put any personal things into it. I was bored reading it and it was six lines. That really says something about this style.
I honestly wish this did not make the front page because, quite honestly, it's terrible. I can see why you would write but then I don't. It's a complicated feeling.
It seems like it took you five minutes to type and submit; the last line is all sorts of bad English. You did not even bother with a thesaurus, and it is too simple. Simple poems can really pack a punch (see "Richard Cory" by Robinson), but yours did not sell it.
I have read a million poems like this. I have seen better.
hey. im going to critique this from my perspective being a bisexual teen in the USA. since this is a human issue it isnt always necessary to be 'objective' and 'unbiased' so here comes my honest feelings. no matter what, in the end i appreciate anyone who is working for the good of this cause.
like previous comments say, this is simple which adds to the reason they like this. i do enjoy short elegant words too but i feel that this is simple in somewhat of a bland sense. the simple rhyme scheme and simple rhymes havent been presented in a meaningful way.
the only thing i think would be necessary to change word choice wise would be in the last line. i feel that it would a lot smoother if the word 'brother' came after 'that'. and if it doesnt have the pause you had with the original line then add commas.
i feel the sound of this poem would have the most impact being in a children's book. which is actually believable and might be profitable (so you could establish your voice), since the LGBT is gaining more and more acceptance. i couldnt say when but maybe even now...
i have to tell you honest reactions to some of these words. so this isnt directly making any suggestions, just interpretations.
some of these lines came across as comical. it might be because im a bit intoxicated but this sounds like an 'interpretive dancing to' poem... and then,
'It's not an infection'
hm... i dont why but i think 80 percent of men for sure have a part of them i the closet. there is something.. i dont know.. maybe 'infectious' about spending time in a gay environment and suddenly certain things become okay. this is my experience with sleepovers.
i dont know if it is just me but i have had my mind inundated nonstop since high school about 'always using protection' so that was my initial response to the fifth line.
overall i do like the concept you went for. equality regardless of sexuality. i just think that the poetic side needs some work. but since you have already envisioned a goal i will acknowledge that. some of the most skilled writers sometimes lose their sense of purpose.
since this isnt considered 'mainstream politics' that doesnt mean it's not huge. more people need to become aware but those who are or are gay need a bit more to keep them lively or just alive. after all they are the heart of the cause and if they die down the core of the movement will rot from the inside out. so that is the direction im pointing to that has a lot of potential.
just remember, there could be so much awareness spreading of a cause yet when the message isnt clear it distorts into something that wasnt intended. so this poem you wrote doesnt directly change the identity of the cause, im just mentioning the possibilities that are actually already occurring.
thats all have to say. this was a nice poem but im sure soon youll be able to take it to another level in the near future. good luck with your endeavors.
I love it quite honestly. It is simple, but simple poems often have much more meaning. Don't listen to the people who say it was bland and shouldn't have been submitted, it was great. Keep up the good work.
I reached the target
I'd been waiting for
for some time now:
!!! :headbang: I'm
guys are always so
awesome and give me
so much support!To
thank you, old
watchers and new
ones, I decided to
open a GIVEAWAY here
on my page!As you
In our continuous
effort to improve
Site Updates to keep
members informed and
to gather feedback.
Below is a list of
recent changes to
the site, bug fixes,
and feedback that
was brought up by
members in the last
NewUpdate to th...
Year II - Issue
Features is a weekly
feature designed to
section of the most
support by faving
this article and
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More